If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
