The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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