I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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