then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
meet me or not, i'm out of control
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Randomize
