After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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