I just gift wrapped bread.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
