I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
