I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
