If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
