She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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