I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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