Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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