Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Randomize