Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
