I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Randomize
