Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
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