the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
