I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
69 |D_O
wtf does that mean??
it's a very specialized emoticon, means 'i heard you fucking some dude through my bedroom wall last night and so i listened intently"
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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