dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
