I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Randomize
