Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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