I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Randomize
