Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Randomize
