So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
