I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Randomize
