I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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