In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Randomize
