made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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