getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
