This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
