It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Randomize
