my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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