My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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