how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
