I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
