Hot guy, man whore rep, huge crush, alcohol that will fuck you up. I fail to see how this could go wrong
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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