so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
There's a naked man in my car right now.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Randomize