I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
whose parrot is this?
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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