Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
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