I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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