I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
