You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
