How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Randomize
