so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
