You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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