he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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