I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Randomize
