I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
