We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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