Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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