you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize
