I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
We need to rekindle our bromance
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
