John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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