Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(586): View more from Michigan

The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"

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(312): View more from Illinois

The maid of honor just puked.

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(979): View more from Texas

We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.

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(+61): View more from Australia

How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.

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(914): View more from New York

I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?

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(309): View more from Illinois

Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".

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(585): View more from New York

His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake

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