my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
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