Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Randomize
