So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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