I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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