im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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